Sitting in a movie theater, well we’re all geniuses. That’s the benefit of knowing in advance that some really bad stuff is about to happen. Plus, you have all the time in the world to stuff your face with popcorn and Monday morning quarterback the poor souls on the screen. Of all the potential bad places a person could wind up, in the midst of a demonic possession tops my list of “shit I don’t want anything to do with.” Now if you’re not a horror fan, well first I appreciate you reading my blog anyway, but second we have a name for you – The Rabbit. Yep, sorry, but there are rules to surviving a Demonic Possession and if you’ve never seen one at the movies, on DVD or television you probably won’t be able to suspend disbelief long enough for any of my forthcoming advice to help – but hey, don’t say I didn’t try.
For the rest of us, here are the six rules to survive a demonic possession.
Rule 1- A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a hero is in for a long protracted torture session.
So lets just dispense with any notions of heroism. Sure you have loved ones you’d like to save, but we’re not discussing some worldly threat – this is supernatural, it’s demonic – chances are that in a one-on-one you’d stand a better chance in the cage with an MMA fighter. Cowardice in these situations really is an underrated survival mechanism. Your friends may laugh at you for screaming at the sight of a spider, but running from a head spinning, green-bile drooling former loved one is just the smart thing to do. My advice is if you want to survive then save yourself. I know that sounds terrible, but if there are demons than there is a God and the whole mess sounds like something he should be figuring out – after all God hasn’t hooked you up with that lottery prayer so why are you suddenly the martyr in the battle of Good versus Evil?
Rule 2: Curiosity Killed the Cat…
…and everyone in the house. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of this point. The best way to survive a demonic incident is to not be involved in one in the first place. Humans are curious by nature, but there are some things just best left alone. Don’t explore that strange noise in the attic, don’t go running cameras or audio recording devices to investigate nighttime activity, and for god’s sake don’t pull out a Ouija board or invite a medium into your home to explore potential “ghosts.” All of this is just an invitation for worse things to happen. Just do what you do with most of your bad habits – ignore it and hope it goes away.
Rule 3: Ship them off to boarding school
Kids. The single biggest cause of demonic possession are children and teens. If you have kids in the house your odds of demons is already off the charts. They’re too damn curious, they have too much emotional angst, and since their dumb friends can talk them into just about anything, they stand little chance against a million year old conniving demon. The Golden Rule of demonic possession is this: If your child has some “invisible” friend, especially one with a creepy F*#ing name like Rory or Malaki or some shit like that – get rid of them – the kid not the demon friend. I have five kids, I love them all, but if I even thought they had some invisible spooky ass friend or were becoming possessed I’d ship them off to boarding school in a flash. Let the teachers or nuns or whatever deal with all the crazy dangerous stuff. Trust me you can still love them from afar…or when they are 18.
4. Reading is one form of escape…
…running is another. I know, I know you’re smart. You know a lot about horror. You may be tempted to read a book or two on the topic. You may even download the Catholic Rites of Exorcism. It’s a dumb move. You’re not a priest and even if you were…have you seen the Exorcist…priest die too. Beside I bet you don’t even speak Latin. Once a possession begins it is GAME OVER. Don’t be smart, be alive. The possession will be as bad for you as the victim. That demon is going to try and get in your head. It’s gonna spill every dirty little secret you have to everyone in ear shot. Then, in the unlikely event that you survive, you’ll have some explaining to do. You’re gonna be like “hey, no it was lying I never did/thought that stuff, really.” People are still reminding you of the crap you did ten years ago – you think they’ll forget this shit?
5. Open your door to Jesus…
And Jehovah. While you are spending time ignoring those strange noises and shipping your kid off to boarding school or an unsuspecting out of state relative be certain to add a little security. You might consider bringing in a priest to bless your house (you freakin’ hypocrite you haven’t been to church since when?). It’s a bad idea. Almost as bad as the aforementioned medium. The Demon will get pissed and payback is a bitch. I suggest a more subtle method – Invite in either some Jehovah Witnesses or perhaps some of those well meaning born again Christians. When they come in ask a lot of questions – you know, throw up a few softballs like “now how is it I can be saved?” or “Tell me the story of your Savior.” In many ways it’s better than an exorcism. These folks will say “Jesus,” “The Lord” or “Our Savior” at least two to three hundred times in the conversation. It’s almost certain to work. The demon will either run screaming from the house (probably only a few steps in front of you, but these things require sacrifice) or will be bored into a deep coma for another hundred years.
6. I don’t have to run faster than the demon…
…just faster than you. There is a pecking order in possessions. You should know where you stand in that order. Little kids always have the first contact, but usually don’t get possessed. Teen girls are definitely the primary target followed by women in their twenties. Dudes usually just get thrown out a window or down a set of stairs. Which is why if you’re not a teen girl or the teen girl being possessed I suggest running…but don’t take the target with you. Sticking around is no way to survive. It may sound like the “right” thing to do, but there is “right” and the “cost of being right” and in the demonic possession scenario that is too high a cost. And think about it, you barely sleep after seeing a horror movie – how is it gonna work with some demon sleeping down the hall? You know they always get out of those ropes and wind up standing over you in the middle of the night. Yeah, no thanks, I’m out and if you want to survive, you should be too.
So that’s it – the six steps to surviving a demonic possession. Don’t be a hero, be ignorant, get the kids gone, don’t be a problem solver, find friends of Jesus, and when the shit hits the fan – get out of Dodge.