Why Vampires are better than Werewolves

It’s a ridiculous argument, but one that surfaces anytime there is a “vampire versus werewolf” movie. Someone inevitably tries to list off the merits of being a werewolf. Now I don’t disagree that it might  be cool, but it hardly compares to being a vampire.  It doesn’t matter how many times I watch Van Helsing or any of the Underworld series, there are always going to be ten great reasons that prove that in the Vampire versus Werewolf debate – Vamps win hands down.


1. Longevity, the ultimate advantage: I’ll come in hard and fast on the debate right from the start. A werewolf lives a lifetime…a vampire lives (or unlives) forever. Mortality is off the table for the vampires which means centuries of fun (assuming one avoids the stake). Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can’t go out during the day. Big deal. You know who goes out in the daylight? People who need to work, that’s who. You know who goes out at night? People about to have a good time. So it is a very small trade off in my opinion. Living forever is just a lot longer than living a lifetime, so vamps 1 werewolves zero.

2. Start a Coven or go Solo: A vampire has choices. They can go it alone by killing what they eat or they can selectively have others join their coven. Werewolves turn others mostly because they accidentally didn’t kill their prey. They aren’t exactly choosy in who they attack so really any homeless dude could wind up as your competition. Which is another benefit to the vampire – if you turn them, you sort of own them. I think selective friends is a big win for the vampire…and in the vamp world there is almost always an ‘s’ after bride.

3. Bad Hair Day: I love women with beautiful hair. That love of hair ends right at the top of their head. I also prefer my mate does not smell like a wet dog nor that she has a flea or tick problem. Sure werewolves can make nice lap dogs and I’m sure that fur is soft and luxurious, but they have nothing on the hotness of vampire chicks who leave a lot less hair in the shower drain.

4. These are not the Droids you’re looking for: Animal magnetism certainly has its benefits. Hell I know a lot of women who love bad boys, but is there really anything that out trumps the ability to compel people. No question mark, that was a rhetorical statement. Everything you need is for the asking. Werewolves can growl and howl but that only leads to folks running away – great in a fight, terrible in a nightclub. Beside without any pockets how does one carry off all that money the bank teller is going to hand over with a smile?

5. The best sex you’ll never remember: Vampires of course get the hottest mates. They also get to actually enjoy and remember the activities. I’m not sure that werewolves engage in such activities except maybe with other furry, smelly dogs. Even if they do, big deal, their human side ain’t remembering any of it the next morning. In terms of sexual encounters you might as well drink a bottle of tequila and go stand naked in some dodgy alley for all you’re gonna remember being a werewolf.

6. It’s easier on the furniture: There is no rendition of the werewolf lore where someone isn’t screaming in pain during the transformation. In addition, if you don’t make it to the woods or wherever to “turn” you always spend a few hours tearing the hell out of everything you own…which for werewolves usually isn’t much. Vampires sleep in dark rooms, with ornate silk lined caskets and rise peacefully to greet the night. Werewolves scream and rage, break their shit and then tear down the door.

7. My crappy apartment is a cave: Immortality and the ability to compel others has one obvious advantage. You can buy a really nice house with all those treasures you’re collecting. Since you are a civilized, art loving creature of the night…and not a wild dog…you tend to live in great places and have very nice things. Werewolves tend to live in crappy places with a bunch of broken stuff…which is fine since they aren’t bringing home any hotties to impress anyway.

8. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful: The vampire transformation of course makes you more attractive. What you may not have brought to the undead world with your genetics you’ll make up for with your eyes and ability to attract droves of people. Dead people don’t sweat and if your skin is a little cold who cares, that warm blood bath will heat things up for you. A vampire can’t be any less than beautiful and a werewolf can’t even comb their fur. The bottom line is dinner always comes to the vampire and the werewolf has to chase their screaming pray.

9. Chew your food you animal: Look I don’t even eat sushi so I certainly have no desire to consume some dead guy or girl’s innards. I abhor poor table manners and especially people who chew with their mouth open and don’t use utensils to eat. I don’t like picnics because eating outside is where the bugs are and it’s dirty. I certainly have no interest in being nose down in the gore and eating uncooked flesh. Granted, drinking blood might take some getting used to, but it can be approached in a civilized manner…and beside I like to bite.

10. Parties, music, and fashion: Listen I don’t know what werewolves do in their off hours, except to work crappy jobs to support their crappy apartments. I know that when they do transform they spend their evenings running through the woods, fields and moors in search of any uncooked piece of meat they can consume. Vampires on the other hand are hanging out in the best clubs, listening to great music and pretty much setting the late night fashion trends.  Drink, smoke, hit on women, dance, crush obnoxious people, drink some blood and then go to sleep. I’m thinking that’s pretty much the dream job.

So perhaps I haven’t convinced you nature lovers who are oh so inspired to release your inner animal. Well have at it my friend, but clearly you don’t need to be a werewolf to smell bad and go live in the woods, so don’t let me hold you back.  And save the “werewolves” are stronger argument. Who cares – I’ll smell you coming from a mile away and you’ll never get into the Rave without proper attire anyway.


11 responses to “Why Vampires are better than Werewolves

  1. For me it’s a no-brainer: vampires. What I’ve been pondering more recently is vampires vs zombies. I haven’t read/watched that much Vampire hunter lore but in the little I have, I find that the so-called Vampires in these are far too similar to fast zombies, which I also find objectionable. Maybe I’m too much of a purist…

    • There is a film called Stakeland that actually does a decent job of combining the vampire/zombie world. I love the “fast” versus “slow” zombie discussion. I can never decide although you can’t tell me that opening scene in 28 days laters was not freaky…or maybe you can. I think, that zombies are slow…but the Infected are fast. A zombie dies and comes back…infected are just infected. In terms of Vamps I will take a zombie like vampire over one in love with a 17 year old girl…okay even if I do watch Vampire Diaries.

      • I always saw zombies as a metaphor for consumerism; mindless, relentless, unstoppable. They didn’t need to be fast.
        TV I miss completely – no cable – though I really should at least check out a couple of episodes of both VD and Walking Dead. Heard they’re good. Vampires don’t go to high school in my universe 😉

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  3. 1. Werewolves don’t live forever, that is true, but think of this, vamps, “You will live a billion lifetimes of death of loved ones.”
    2. Vampires have accidents too. If you don’t drink all the blood, thinking it’s empty, you will turn him/her too!
    3. 2 words: old mate. If you have a teen bf/gf that is a vamp, how old do you think they are? Def not a teen!!!
    4. We can talk too clueless! We are not all animal! And I don’t think hissing pleases too much either…
    5. You can still do it at day! I mean to their human side. I mean, I wouldn’t care much for having sex with a dog, but maybe a human dog would be better!
    6. We can turn outside, and I bet you don’t have tooth aches once in a while. lol.
    7. In my opinion, sleeping outside in the fresh air beats sleeping in a crushed apartment with people smoking every where! Also, just because you’re a vampire, DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE RICH!!!!!
    8. You say we are not attractive? Well, I don’t think vampires are very attractive either! Watch Buffy The Vampire Hunter for once. lol
    9. I don’t like the taste of irony blood, especially someone else’s! And, have you ever tasted chicken?
    10. We can have fun like regular humans too! I mean, why can’t we go to parties?

    • My Wolf – this is an excellent counter-argument! After watching Vampire Diaries, I would have to amend my comment on the attractiveness of Werewolves (at least in the human form). Great comments

  4. and also living forever sound a little scary but fun and being imortal is awesome sause awesome!!! and as a vampire you would be a lot more popular than a werewolf.

  5. 1. Werewolves may not live forever but they age with their best pals imagine being 17 and having to say goodbye to mom and dad and your friends then imagine having to make new friends.
    2. Werewolves get a workout I mean running all night long and ripping off heads is hard work.
    3. Animal magnetism is a perk who needs to use seductive spells.
    4. Werewolves can drink beer and eat stuff as people, vampires vomit after a bud light talk about a weak stomach.
    5. Werewolves have a life in the day and in the night. Vampires do not have a day life.
    6 . Werewolves can get good jobs. Vampires have to get part time night jobs. Look who lives in a scrappy apartment after all.
    7. Werewolves don’t have to re-re-re-re-do high school
    8. Werewolves are jocks and get A’s in science, they are part animal after all. Vampires are emo lovelies.
    9. Werewolves get free meals every full moon. How does a vampire sneak in your home and suck your blood.
    10. Werewolves are beast, literally.

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  7. First off you watch too much twilight. If allI ever did was go to clubs and party then I would get bored after a whole Century maybe even 2. so not all dogs can’t pay the bills what is this dog came up with an invention to I don’t know cure cancer. in Twilight that mother f***** Edward just went to school a thousand times even though he had the chance to actually I don’t know study cancer and find a cure for it. Also I think I’d rather cuddle with someone who wasn’t freaking cold the Ecuador feel the chill when I walk by.and finally if I just did the same thing every night and I won’t even be able to come outside during the day and then I would actually get bored and wanna die.but oh wait I can’t I’m already deadalso I think I would rather not have to be with someone who wants to think of me as food rather than someone who wants to be my protector

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