It’s a ridiculous argument, but one that surfaces anytime there is a “vampire versus werewolf” movie. Someone inevitably tries to list off the merits of being a werewolf. Now I don’t disagree that it might be cool, but it hardly compares to being a vampire. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch Van Helsing or any of the Underworld series, there are always going to be ten great reasons that prove that in the Vampire versus Werewolf debate – Vamps win hands down.
1. Longevity, the ultimate advantage: I’ll come in hard and fast on the debate right from the start. A werewolf lives a lifetime…a vampire lives (or unlives) forever. Mortality is off the table for the vampires which means centuries of fun (assuming one avoids the stake). Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can’t go out during the day. Big deal. You know who goes out in the daylight? People who need to work, that’s who. You know who goes out at night? People about to have a good time. So it is a very small trade off in my opinion. Living forever is just a lot longer than living a lifetime, so vamps 1 werewolves zero.
2. Start a Coven or go Solo: A vampire has choices. They can go it alone by killing what they eat or they can selectively have others join their coven. Werewolves turn others mostly because they accidentally didn’t kill their prey. They aren’t exactly choosy in who they attack so really any homeless dude could wind up as your competition. Which is another benefit to the vampire – if you turn them, you sort of own them. I think selective friends is a big win for the vampire…and in the vamp world there is almost always an ‘s’ after bride.
3. Bad Hair Day: I love women with beautiful hair. That love of hair ends right at the top of their head. I also prefer my mate does not smell like a wet dog nor that she has a flea or tick problem. Sure werewolves can make nice lap dogs and I’m sure that fur is soft and luxurious, but they have nothing on the hotness of vampire chicks who leave a lot less hair in the shower drain.
4. These are not the Droids you’re looking for: Animal magnetism certainly has its benefits. Hell I know a lot of women who love bad boys, but is there really anything that out trumps the ability to compel people. No question mark, that was a rhetorical statement. Everything you need is for the asking. Werewolves can growl and howl but that only leads to folks running away – great in a fight, terrible in a nightclub. Beside without any pockets how does one carry off all that money the bank teller is going to hand over with a smile?
5. The best sex you’ll never remember: Vampires of course get the hottest mates. They also get to actually enjoy and remember the activities. I’m not sure that werewolves engage in such activities except maybe with other furry, smelly dogs. Even if they do, big deal, their human side ain’t remembering any of it the next morning. In terms of sexual encounters you might as well drink a bottle of tequila and go stand naked in some dodgy alley for all you’re gonna remember being a werewolf.
6. It’s easier on the furniture: There is no rendition of the werewolf lore where someone isn’t screaming in pain during the transformation. In addition, if you don’t make it to the woods or wherever to “turn” you always spend a few hours tearing the hell out of everything you own…which for werewolves usually isn’t much. Vampires sleep in dark rooms, with ornate silk lined caskets and rise peacefully to greet the night. Werewolves scream and rage, break their shit and then tear down the door.
7. My crappy apartment is a cave: Immortality and the ability to compel others has one obvious advantage. You can buy a really nice house with all those treasures you’re collecting. Since you are a civilized, art loving creature of the night…and not a wild dog…you tend to live in great places and have very nice things. Werewolves tend to live in crappy places with a bunch of broken stuff…which is fine since they aren’t bringing home any hotties to impress anyway.
8. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful: The vampire transformation of course makes you more attractive. What you may not have brought to the undead world with your genetics you’ll make up for with your eyes and ability to attract droves of people. Dead people don’t sweat and if your skin is a little cold who cares, that warm blood bath will heat things up for you. A vampire can’t be any less than beautiful and a werewolf can’t even comb their fur. The bottom line is dinner always comes to the vampire and the werewolf has to chase their screaming pray.
9. Chew your food you animal: Look I don’t even eat sushi so I certainly have no desire to consume some dead guy or girl’s innards. I abhor poor table manners and especially people who chew with their mouth open and don’t use utensils to eat. I don’t like picnics because eating outside is where the bugs are and it’s dirty. I certainly have no interest in being nose down in the gore and eating uncooked flesh. Granted, drinking blood might take some getting used to, but it can be approached in a civilized manner…and beside I like to bite.
10. Parties, music, and fashion: Listen I don’t know what werewolves do in their off hours, except to work crappy jobs to support their crappy apartments. I know that when they do transform they spend their evenings running through the woods, fields and moors in search of any uncooked piece of meat they can consume. Vampires on the other hand are hanging out in the best clubs, listening to great music and pretty much setting the late night fashion trends. Drink, smoke, hit on women, dance, crush obnoxious people, drink some blood and then go to sleep. I’m thinking that’s pretty much the dream job.
So perhaps I haven’t convinced you nature lovers who are oh so inspired to release your inner animal. Well have at it my friend, but clearly you don’t need to be a werewolf to smell bad and go live in the woods, so don’t let me hold you back. And save the “werewolves” are stronger argument. Who cares – I’ll smell you coming from a mile away and you’ll never get into the Rave without proper attire anyway.